NormandyNet
by LegionN7
Summary: Shepard knows this will be a tough mission... so EDI creates an internal social networking service on the Normandy! You will want to read this. Seriously. And review it.


Normandy SR2 Social Networking

**Author's Note:**

**Just a little something I had come up with a while back, mainly inspired by JoeLaTurkey's email chapters; it's set up as the wall posts of an internal social networking system set up during ME2. A few innuendos, some swearing, and antics. Constructive criticism welcomed. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Characters owned by EA/Bioware**

Chat Handles:

Shepard: Commander

Miranda: XOLaw

Jacob: ThePriize69

Mordin: DocSolus

Garrus: Archangel42

Jack: Psychobio

Grunt: Battletoad1920

Kasumi: KleptoChick53

Zaeed: Survivorman

Thane: Amonkira

Samara: JusticarSam

Tali: DaddysGethKilla

Legion: Infiltrait0rN7

Kelly: Y0l0Yeo

Joker: BornofAwesome

Gardner: SculleryMaid

Gabby: SpeedyG

Ken: GreatScot

Chakwas: DrCupcakes

Matthews: poonslayer6969

Hadley: Bridgeburner22

Hawthorne: PeanutGallery

Goldstein: l337

Rolston: Familyguy3201

Patel: Bunnygurl

"Hey, Commander, _check it out! _LEATHER seats! Military may lead in hardware, but on a first-gen frigate they could care less if the seats breathe. Civilian sector comfort by design!"

Shepard listened to Joker carry on, and all about EDI as 'ship cancer', and was drifting off into semi-attentive thought, when he hit upon a great idea.

"EDI, what apps do you come with?"

"I am not a simple operating system, Shepard. I am a ship-wide consciousness and..."

"Okay, fine, I asked the wrong question. Do you think you could set up an internal social networking service for the ship? Something for people to message officers, chat on, that sort of thing?"

"Please create your account, Shepard."

USERNAME: Commander

PASSWORD: reaperssuck

RETYPE PASSWORD: reaperssuck

CONFIRM REGISTRATION

NormandyNet Wall:

**NEW USER Ids**: Commander, XOLaw, ThePriize69, Y0l0Yeo, BornofAwesome, SculleryMaid, GreatScot, SpeedyG, Bunnygurl, l337, DrCupcakes, poonslayer6969, Bridgeburner22, Familyguy3201, PeanutGallery

EDI: Server space retasked. Normandy Network Enabled.

Commander: I think that this may be more efficient than most ship's grapevines. You need to talk with me? Let me know through here!

Y0l0Yeo: OMG! Commander, your sooooo sweet taking some of teh burden off me

Commander: wait, this kind of thing was supposed to be your job?

Y0l0Yeo: um, well...

Commander: And now that you'll have spare time, you can help Gardner out.

SculleryMaid: Thanks, Commander! Could really use the help! Latrines to plunge, cable to tag, sandwiches to make...

Y0l0Yeo: :(

XOLaw: Shepard... you're sure this will not affect EDI's cyberwarfare capabilities?

EDI: I have already allocated resources to set up a virtual farming game, a criminal empire builder, virtual slots, and mall simulators. Efficiency is only reduced by 12 percent.

XOLaw: wha

EDI: That was a joke.

ThePriize69: wait, so we _wont _have mindoirville?!

SculleryMaid: Or Cerberus Wars?

DrCupcakes: I can upload Operation

ThePriize69: how about Grim Terminus Alliance?

XOLaw: NO. Its a heavy risk, and the size...

ThePriize69: YESSSSSS!

XOLaw: Shut up.

Commander: Am I missing something?

XOLaw: you will never have to find out, Commander.

Commander: Whatever. Next stop, OMEGA! Too bad you crew dont get shore leave XD

BornofAwesome: I hate you

SpeedyG: :(

l337: :(

PeanutGallery: great.

GreatScot: Hey, Commander? How about buying some T6 FBA couplings from Omega? When the field bleed becomes too much for the sensitive warp attenuators, we have to recalibrate and

SpeedyG: Kenneth, shut up! Youre boring the commander with tech! Commander, we just need T6 FBA couplings.

Commander: I expect reimbursement. Miranda?

XOLaw: Fine, Commander... just dont forget to ask for a receipt.

**New User Ids: Survivorman, DocSolus, Archangel42**

Survivorman: What the hell is this all about? The last time I was in a public forum, I was the only one to make it out alive...

BornofAwesome: Cool story, bro. Is it on audiobook yet?

Survivorman: Watch your mouth, kid. Or ill gut you like the time I had to interrogate a hanar. Slippery bastard kept getting out of his restraints, so I had to nail him in place. Turns out he didnt know anything, so I had to put the thing down. Had no idea of its critical points, so I just started hacking.

BornofAwesome: Um, right.

DocSolus: Hmm, profiles not limited to combat or critical crew only. Cerberus stealth ship, lack of extranet feeds into service... Ahh, likened to early versions of human social networking experiments.

Distraction? Possible. Suicide mission against superior enemy. Entertainment? No no no no, not sole purpose. Venting, perhaps? No, as most species require personal contact for efficient venting. Cohesion? Would hope Commander not as shallow as to think virtual access means real results

Y0l0Yeo: Mordin! ur sooo cute when u type like u talk! I just want to cuddle you and squeeze you!

DocSolus: Need I remind you, STG background, extensive knowledge of biowarfare. Also quite the body count. Including krogan, one of which with only a farming implement.

Y0l0yeo: :0 I was just trying to b ur friend... nd maybe more 8:)

DocSolus: understandable. Long-term, high-stress mission. Wishes team integration. Inefficient at cogent communication. Human term 'ditz' appropriate.

Y0l0yeo: :'(

BornofAwesome: DAAAAMN you got her!

DrCupcakes: I have a variety of soothing creams. For that burn.

Bridgeburner22: The hell did I just read

Y0l0yeo: u people r all terrible! Now im going 2 have 2 tuch myself so I can feel better!

DocSolus: Considering hormonal release during orgasm, may help. or may make condition worse with flood of melancholy. Unknown as to your exact response.

Bridgeburner22: :O ← you

SpeedyG: wtf

GreatScot: Can you take video? Or maybe you need me to comfort you :)

DrCupcakes: I have a variety of creams for that as well

ThePriize69: Hey kelly, how about you use some of my workout footage as, y know...

Commander: THATS ENOUGH... wait, wtf?

EDI: Commander, Yeoman Chamber's profile has been hacked. Attempting to trace last user...

GreatScot: dammit. So it WASNT her?

EDI: user traced as Crewman Zach Matthews.

Commander → poonslayer6969: Unless you want ME to take your appointment with the Consort, id suggest not doing that again, crewman.

**user poonslayer6969 temporarily banned**

BornofAwesome → Commander: Hey commander! We got Garrus back! Thats great, because he was_totally _my favorite. With that stick up his ass...

Archangel42 → BornofAwesome: You DO realize that wall posts made to friends of friends are visible?

BornofAwesome: uhhh...

Survivorman → Commander: Hey, Shepard, Ive got a goddam good idea. Come see me.

Commander: We're making a quick stop on the Citadel. No shore leave (HA!), we're picking someone up and leaving.

Commander: Oh, and the next sad face emoticon I see gets 2 weeks of KP

Y0l0yeo: :|

ThePriize69: Heavy risk, but the look in his eyyyes...

XOLaw: REALLY, JACOB

BornofAwesome: hey, Jacob, you should really come up here to see how this ship fliiiies...

ThePriize69: :D

Survivorman: Reminds me of the last ship I flew on. The batarian pilot let a goddam kid in the cockpit. Kid turned out to be a Terra Firma agent who shot the bastard. I was the only one to make it out alive...

DocSolus: Suggest we not venture onto Citadel this time.

SculleryMaid: Haw! Guess that means MREs for the forseeable future!

PeanutGallery: You cook like Sha'ira runs her business, Rupert. A lot of talk, but still tastes like ass.

Bridgeburner22: HEY!

Commander: Matthews, get off of Hadleys' account.

DrCupcakes → ThePriize69: Jacob, I need to update your physical exam. Please come by the medbay immediately.

ThePriize69 → DrCupcakes: What? The vids I took of my workout routines werent enough?

DrCupcakes → ThePriize69: Actually, its because of them. To my great disappointment, you wont need any invasive procedures... unless requested :D

GreatScot → Bridgeburner22, poonslayer6969, PeanutGallery, BornofAwesome: (appended file: medbay001) OH MY LORD LOOK AT THIS I didnt even know Chakwas could DO that

ThePriize69: It was a heavy risk, but the medicine hiiiiighs

KleptoChick53: mmmm

Familyguy3201 → Bunnygurl: I just got word. My family is safe!

Bunnygurl → Familyguy3201: From the Collectors?

Familyguy3201 → Bunnygurl: No, from that video file thats going around...

DocSolus: Will integrate into discourse on field medicine ethical gray areas.

Commander: Drop the subject. NOW.

XOLaw: Anyone else with that file will have wage garnishments and possible contract termination

Archangel42: In that case, she had reach and he had... flexibility...

Commander, XOLaw, Y0l0Yeo, Bunnygurl, SpeedyG, l337 → Archangel42: REALLY GARRUS?

**New User ID: **KleptoChick53

KleptoChick53 → Commander: Hey shep, wanna come by?

Commander: Going to spring a powerful biotic from prison.

**New User ID: **Psychobio

Psychobio: you Cerberus ******s better watch it. I WILL DESTROY YOU

Psychobio: what the **** is up with the ******* censor filter?! SHEPARD!

Psychobio: fu(k 5h!t damn bastard hell ass c0ck **** **** ************s ***** b!t(h

EDI: Please refrain from attempting to circumvent the language filters and spamming the board.

Survivorman → Psychobio: Coulda used a tough b!t(h like you back on this one mission. We had to masquerade as concubines, and the head had to be an actual woman. She turned out to be an XXY and got half the squad killed when she opened her trap. I was the only one who made it out of there alive.

Psychobio → Survivorman: You sound pretty awesome :)

l337 → PeanutGallery: You seen my wallet?

Familyguy3201 → l337: I was just about to show Patel those pics of my family when I realized mines gone as well :'(

Bridgeburner22 → poonslayer6969: very funny. Give me my wallet back.

Poonslayer6969 (ban rescinded) → Bridgeburner22: Be man enough to talk to me! I sit next to you! And give me back MY wallet first!

KleptoChick53: To anyone missing their wallets: I have set up a lost and found in the port observation deck.

Commander: Except the bar is off-limits to anyone who doesnt regularly fight... hold on a second...

Archangel42 → Commander: Im going to be in the middle of calibrations for a while.

Commander: An update. We're going to find a krogan warlord with Collector tech knowledge.

DocSolus: Interesting... krogan warlord turned scientist. Could be...

Archangel42: Speculation would be useless until we meet him.

PeanutGallery: He means shut up, doc.

BornofAwesome: So yeah. That package.

**New User ID: **Battletoad1920

Y0l0Yeo: Aww, a wittle baby krogan?

GreatScot: First that crazy woman, now a _krogan _on this deck?!

Psychobio → GreatScot: In case youve forgotten, I live below you and your slam piece. Id be careful what goes out to the board if I were you. Asshole.

GreatScot → poonslayer6969, Bridgeburner22: Whats a slam piece?

SpeedyG: Kenneth, you really are clueless...

Battletoad1920: I AM KROGAN!

Battletoad1920: I will wreck and wreak, I will wreav through my enemies like a t wrex of old

Battletoad1920 → Survivorman: Hey, you. Come over here so we can swap stories.

Survivorman → Battletoad1920: Whaddya mean, stories? I dont want to hear any goddam krogan nursery rhymes. Youre two days old!

Battletoad1920 → Survivorman: Okeer implanted many memories. Like when he asked out this female who was 460 years older than he was, and she ended up enjoying dominance, and...

Commander → Battletoad1920: Tell me more.

Survivorman → Battletoad1920: Be right over.

XOLaw: :/

Y0l0yeo: the krogan IVE met are more into

ThePriize69: Mating with Grunt. Heavy risk, but the siiize...

Battletoad1920: Ugh. Humans, asari... theyre so... squishy.

DocSolus: Suggest research into krogan reproductive habits. May prove illuminating.

Commander: Now that weve had our fill of Krogasm stories as narrated by Urdnot Slyeara (That's gonna look good on TIM's bank statements!) We have to go to a colony JUST hit by Collectors. To Horizon!

XOLaw: TIM?

Commander: The Illusive Man

DrCupcakes: I still prefer GenitElcor

DrCupcakes: There was this one especially, where an elcor walked into a tax office and ended up giving it up to a volus... it was like: hhhhhhkkkkt do you have any collateral hhhhhhkkkkt _ass_ets?

Resignedly: I have but one method to remit payment. Hhhhhhkkkkkt I see... hhhhkkkkkkt well then, I warn you, hhhhkkkkkkt we are a-_moan-ya_ based life forms... Bashfully: make your deposit and withdrawal

Y0l0yeo- DrCupcakes: you have any of that around?

GreatScot: I have the strangest feeling I have ever felt right now. I dont know if it was the good doctors vocal impressions of a hardcore volcor bankwhore porno or the fact that she was _that _good at acting it...

SpeedyG → GreatScot: The fact you know the slang is slightly disturbing

Familyguy3201 → Bunnygurl: Oh no... what if... when my daughter gets older... she brings home a volus? Or a krogan?

Bunnygurl → Familyguy3201: Relax. Shes not even 1 yet.

Psychobio → Familyguy3201: And if this whole thing goes to 5h!t, no one will be alive that long anyway.

Archangel42 → Psychobio: You're just... mean.

Y0l0yeo: Hey gaiz! Da Commanders back :D

Bridgeburner22: He looks... angry

Commander: DAMMIT I WAS DEAD I WAS DEAD I WAS DEAD THATS WHY YOU DIDNT HEAR FROM ME ASHLEY OMG WTF WHY DIDNT I LEAVE HER TO DIE ON VIRMIRE THATS RIGHT BONING.

DocSolus: interesting. Capitalized letters typed angrily, cathartic relief similar to actual shouting. Few implicit trusted relationships, so blows out to the masses.

Bridgeburner22: Thats what she said.

Poonslayer6969: dammit, you beat me to it.

PeanutGallery: Ha, thats what she said.

L337: really, boys?

GreatScot: Thats what she said!

SpeedyG: Kenneth, that made little to no sense. You need to put your head back where it belongs

Familyguy3201: THATS WHAT SHE SAID

Bunnygurl → Familyguy3201: I didnt know you joked like that

Familyguy3201 → Bunnygurl: My wife wouldve said it.

Bunnygurl → Familyguy3201: Aww thats so sweet...

DocSolus → Commander: Shepard. Wish to reveal extent of true genius to you now. Meet me in lab.

Commander: Weve got more people to recruit. So lets get to it. Oh, and were going to pick up a new vehicle. Something about jumping over lava and blasting geth.

Archangel42: Cant be worse than the Mako.

Archangel42: I take that back. The Mako was a lot better...

XOLaw: We are NOT requisitioning a Mako.

Psychobio: bunch of pu55ies...

Survivorman: I remember the last time I was in a Mako. Had to climb a mountain. Well, just as we got it over the summit, it fell down the other side into a canyon surrounded by geth. Crew of 5 and I was the only one to make it out that day.

Battletoad1920 → Survivorman: Did you eat them?

Survivorman1920 → Battletoad1920: youre damn right I did. Had to throw the guts to the space cows to appease them. If nothing else, I gained an appreciation for barbecued ribs.

Battletoad1920 → SculleryMaid: MAKE ME SOME BARBECUE

SculleryMaid: as it so happens, the Commander made sure that we got a shipment of high-quality rations that will last the entire ship about a year. Plenty of bbq from the Fishdog Food Factory

Battletoad1920: I like this human! HE understands!

PeanutGallery: More food and less ass! Just like Sha'ira herself!

Poonslayer6969: HEY!

Bridgeburner22: Get over it.

KleptoChick53: So who are we picking up next?

XOLaw → Commander: Commander, I have daddy issues I need to discuss with you.

ThePriize69 → Commander: Commander, I have daddy issues I need to discuss with you

Archangel42 → Commander: Shepard, Ive got dead squad issues stemming from daddy issues I need to discuss with you.

DocSolus → Commander: Commander, I have being-a-father-esque-figure issues I need to discuss with you.

Battletoad1920 → Commander: Shepard, I have born-without-a-father issues I need to discuss with you.

Psychobio → Commander: Commander. I looked through all that Cerberus crap, and I have some issues I need to discuss with you.

Survivorman, KleptoChick53 → Commander: Don't forget my issues...

Commander → (GROUP) Suicidal Idiots: Fine, but I need to get the rest of the team first.

BornofAwesome: With all these daddy issues, its a good thing we have a psychologist... OH WAIT she has issues too!

Y0l0Yeo → BornofAwesome: ur 1 2 talk, brittle boy

BornofAwesome: At least my disease is genetic, not venereal :P

Commander: We're going to Haestrom.

**New User ID: **DaddysGethKilla

DaddysGethKilla: Ahh, so great to be back on the Normandy... Except that its overrun by Cerberus.

Psychobio → DaddysGethKilla: Join the club.

DaddysGethKilla → Commander: Shepard, ive got some daddy issues I need help with

BornofAwesome: Like your handle isnt proof enough?

Poonslayer6969: thats what she said!

Bridgeburner22: Gross, dude.

Familyguy3201 → Bunnygurl: What if my daughter ends up with daddy issues?

Psychobio → Familyguy3201: Only if you die then your wife locks her up in a closet cuz shes too busy with another dude

Familyguy3201 BLOCK IN PLACE User: Psychobio

Commander: Now off to Illium!

GreatScot → SpeedyG: Y know, since asari are monogendered, and now that we are going to Illium, do you think that maybe we could

SpeedyG → GreatScot: NO

GreatScot → SpeedyG: pick up some asari honeymead? What did you think I would suggest?

XOLaw → Commander: Hey, hey, those issues? They can be resolved on Illium :D

**New User Ids: **Amonkira, JusticarSam

Amonkira → ThePriize69: I have done you no wrong. Why then do you distrust me? You DO realize that you yourself are paid by Cerberus, ergo, loyal to their paycheck.

ThePriize69 → Amonkira: Ok frog boy. I was just nervous. About you being an assassin and all.

Amonkira: ITS BECAUSE IM GREEN ISNT IT

ThePriize69: No comment.

DaddysGethKilla: It would be a heavy risk to terroriiize thane

ThePriize69: SCORE :)))

XOLaw: NOT YOU TOO!

Commander: Yay. Collector Ship to take out.

Commander: ITS A TRAP

EDI: Commander, at the very least,we now have the info we need.

ThePriize69: It was a heavy risk, but we surviiiived

Commander: Its getting old, Jacob. I ban people like you on my way to real problems.

Commander: anyone want to come to my cabin? Theres a surprise there! Everytime you touch it, it gets bigger or smaller :D its lying on the coffee table right now...

DrCupcakes → Commander: Right away, Commander. I'll bring the Serrice Ice Brandy :D ← Me

XOLaw: Umm, Shepard... wtf?

GreatScot: whoa...

Survivorman: I remember the last time I drank Serrice Ice brandy... I was in a nightclub, hitting up this turian lady, when a gang of quarians burst in... I was the only one to make it out alive.

BornofAwesome: I hope you all realize hes talking about a Prothean artifact from Project Firewalker, not his Admiral Winky...

Commander: DAMMIT JOKER

l337: damn.

XOLaw: I rebuilt his 'admiral winky'. Hes only got a flaccid length of

DocSolus: Doctor-Patient confidentiality of utmost importance! Deduce that morale would suffer from knowledge of Shepard's member size. Not enough to awe krogan, much less Grunt. Humans would then feel superior to superior officer. Tensions. Problematic.

Y0l0yeo: you mean the exotic, pulsating, powerful object he kept promising me is really

SculleryMaid: 'fraid so sweetheart. But ive got some extra sausage in the galley...

Amonkira: Eyes roll back... Thane.. she whispers. The rush of blood southward. Scales contact, the reproductive ritual begins...

DaddysGethKilla: Keelah! You dont have to type out your memories...

DocSolus: Drell mating ritual beautiful to witness. Much fluid movement. Can forward pamphlets, instructional vids to any interested parties

Amonkira: Entrance is achieved... Constant stream of cries... Thane you dirty frog... hop for me...

Psychobio: I dunno, this sounds pretty interesting...

l337: Why does none of this happen around here?

Familyguy3201: :( Thane is making me remember the last time I was with my wife :( Im going to cry in my quarters now

poonslayer6969: Is it wrong to be this turned on? Kinda like sexy roleplaying on Omegle, when you KNOW the other person is a bored volus executive or an ardat-yakshi but you forcibly believe its some quarian who just left for Pilgrimage...

DrCupcakes → Commander: Commander, really. Leading me on like that...

DaddysGethKilla: how are we missing the drive core maintenance terminal?

KleptoChick53: Lost and Found: Deck 3, Port Observatory

Archangel42: Calibrations, calibrations, calibrations... if Thanix cannons require this much effort on one ship, how the hell are we going to outfit the galaxy's fleets?

JusticarSam: Amusingly, I have sufficient prowess to update my status biotically. With my amp.

GreatScot: I just heard the lovely matriarch say 'prowess'. My status has definitely been updated...

PeanutGallery: Mine eyes are overjoyed...

JusticarSam: My manner of dress is merely a tool for weeding out the perverts of society. Whom I then kill.

GreatScot: Um, I meant I am heightened in confidence that you have such battle prowess

PeanutGallery: Overjoyed that such a distinguished asari is joining us...

Familyguy3201 → Bunnygurl: What if my daughter gets into a 'dress like an asari' phase?

JusticarSam → Familyguy3201: At least your daughter will most likely NOT be a sex vampire.

Amonkira → Commander: Shepard, I have being-a-daddy issues I need to discuss

JusticarSam → Commander: Shepard, I have being-a-mommy issues I need to discuss

ThePriize69: Just took care of my dad's teenage fantasy.

ThePriize69: I made sure that the Alliance will arrest him. Heavy risk, but his liiies...

Psychbio → ThePriize69: You did your mom?

ThePriize69 → Psychobio: wtf?! No...

XOLaw: My sister is safe. And no, Ken, we are not 'down with that'.

GreatScot: I never said anything!

SpeedyG: You didnt have to.

Commander: Citadel next. Oh, and no shore leave :)

Archangel42: Ha! Just sniped out that wimp. I was all like BOOM! HEADSHOT!

Amonkira: flashing lights... my son, anger in his face... is this some kind of joke?... Situation defused.

Commander: AND WHY THE HELL DID I SAVE THE COUNCIL IF THEYRE GOING TO GIVE ME THAT KIND OF LIP I SHOULD HAVE THREATENED TO EXPOSE EVERYTHING OMG

y0l0yeo: u can cuddle with me and grunt...

Battletoad1920: I AM ADOLESCENT I have beaten the giant worm, watched its putrid slime spit out, pounded it into submission until it was dead

Commander → Battletoad1920: You ARE talking about that thresher maw, right?

Battletoad1920: No, you shot the thresher maw with a Cain, remember?

PeanutGallery: Oh God...

l337: Can I file a complaint somewhere?

Poonslayer6969: wtf did I just read

Bridgeburner22: I.. have no words...

Bunnygurl: Ummm I can handle Rolston spilling about his wifey-poo, but thats a bit much, Grunt...

Archangel42: I KNEW we shouldnt have given him access to the Extranet...

Battletoad1920: what? I read on the extranet that as the second rite of passage, you must firmly grip the beast and **status terminated by EDI**

Familyguy3201: Oh God. What if my daughter discovers this stuff before shes old enough?

Amonkira: My eyes downcast in shame... Hanar trainer turns yellow... Pardon me, but this one must ask you to STOP THAT!... hands return to resting place... entire class laughs... sent to detention... paddled by head-jelly... feeling returns... more punishment! please, head-jelly, sir!

Commander: Seriously... Kasumi, open the bar for me...

KleptoChick53: Sure thing, Shep!

DocSolus: Maelon turned traitor. Had to kill him. Saved data. Useful. Was mostly old issues of Krogasm and pictures of vorcha with Ei Teeyla vas Boom Boom. Also some notes.

Commander: Tuchanka was interesting. Saw Wrex. Shepard. Wrex. Shepard. Wrex. Shepard. Wrex. Shepard **Infinite loop terminated by EDI**

Psychobio: Yeahhhhhh those cerberus ******s had it coming!

XOLaw → Psychobio: IT WASNT CERBERUS DAMMIT

Psychobio → XOLaw: You wanna fight?

XOLaw → Psychobio: My room. Now. Bring it b!tch.

BornofAwesome: I love my job.

Commander: wtf?

BornofAwesome → Commander: Miranda and Jack are having an argument. Take pictures!

GreatScot → Commander: Especially if theres any... moaning...

Commander → XOLaw: We'll bang, ok?

Y0l0yeo → l337, SpeedyG, Bunnygurl, JusticarSam, KleptoChick53, XOLaw, DaddysGethKilla, psychobio: Who wants to do a girls night :D

GreatScot: That would be... lovely... I'll select the wardrobe

SpeedyG: Ignore him. What would be doing?

Y0l0yeo: oh, I was thinking a little shore leave, buy some large fruity cocktails,

PeanutGallery: Then have pillowfights and compare busts?

Poonslayer69: or talk about how sexy and desirable I am?

Bridgeburner22: And dress code is underdress only...

Familyguy32: What if my daughter gets caught up in these coed slumber parties?

Psychobio → Y0l0yeo: fu(k that. If we have a girls night out, blood needs to flow.

GreatScot: Blood most certainly WILL flow...

Psychobio → GreatScot: Yes, you are correct. Your blood. From your jugular. Onto the floor.

JusticarSam: Is this 'comparing busts' a common human ritual? If so, you are all VASTLY outmatched.

PeanutGallery: anyone in the crew head? I have to go

GreatScot: Beat you to it, scunner!

KleptoChick53: umm, kelly? You forgot to make this a true pm...

DaddysGethKilla: Keelah...

Survivorman: Once saw a justicar kill an entire merc squad with only her breasts. She had been tranquilized and biotically damped, so she fought back with her best assets. I was the only one who walked away.

Commander: Zaeed, just how many times have you been the only one to walk away?

Survivorman: Well, ive been a merc for well over twenty years, so... hmm. I'll get back to you on that.

Commander: Remind me to never put Zaeed in charge of any fireteams.

XOLaw: Noted, Commander.

DaddysGethKilla: Keelah! My daddy is dead! I may have been exonerated, but hes dead! NOOOOOO!

Archangel42 → DaddysGethKilla: Come over to the main gun. Calibrations should take your mind off it. I also have some dextro wine, the best I could afford on a vigilante's salary. Your waist is very supportive, btw

XOLaw → DaddysGethKilla: My father was obsessed with creating the perfect spawn, namely me and my now-safe sister. At least your dad only wanted to commit racial genocide and duped you into helping him achieve that goal... wait, Im not helping, am I?

Y0l0yeo → XOLaw: lol wut leave the psychology to me, ice queen

DrCupcakes: Havent updated in a while.

SculleryMaid: Neither have I.

L337: Who cares? No one knows who I am. At least people say, oh! The doctor! Or oh! The cook who sucks!

Familyguy3201 → Bunnygurl: What... what if my daughter gets shunned in school?

PeanutGallery: Or oh! The most handsome mess hall guard who loudly critiques the food!

KleptoChick53 → Y0l0yeo: I found those 'items' you were missing. Mordin said they tested positive for scale itch.

Y0l0yeo → KleptoChick53: Thats our secret, right?

KleptoChick53: I KNOW HOW SCALE ITCH GOT ONTO THE NORMANDY! YEOMAN KELLY CHAMBERS IN LOVE WITH PET SHOP VARREN

GreatScot: Wha...

Poonslayer6969: awkward...

Bridgeburner22: I knew it.

PeanutGallery → Y0l0yeo: Our date is OFF

l337 → PeanutGallery: Like YOU had a chance. I call bs.

DocSolus: Ahh, Kasumi. Thank you for your help in 'investigations'. Most useful.

BornofAwesome: Come on, Hawthorne. We all know the closest to a woman youve been is getting slapped by Goldstein

l337: .

JusticarSam: Finally, I am free. I killed a daughter of mine.

Familyguy3201 → Bunnygurl: WHAT IF IM FORCED TO KILL MY OWN DAUGHTER!?

Bunnygurl → Familyguy3201: unless shes an ardat-yakshi sex vampire, a husk, or hopped up on bath salts and synthetic tetrahydrocannibinol, thats extremely unlikely.

Survivorman: Goodbye, Vido. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

Commander: And you werent the only one to leave the mission alive, either.

KleptoChick53: Ohh Keiji... yes, yes... now Jacob, you just need to... oh crap, the greybox is linked to my omnito

KleptoChick53: problem solved.

ThePriize69: Im going to hit the bar. Heavy risk, but the wiiiines

**user ThePriize69 temporarily banned**

**New User ID: **Infiltrait0rN7

Infiltrait0rN7: We find this method of communication... adequate.

PeanutGallery: Are you the geth the Commander let on board?

Infiltrait0rN7: we are geth.

Psychobio → Infiltrait0rN7: whats up with the N7 armor?

BornofAwesome: Its slightly creepy. Like he's a fanboy... well, fanBOT. Or something.

Infiltrait0rN7 → Psychobio: As I told the commander: No data available.

DaddysGethKilla: Just saying, its a little strange for a geth to behave so irrationally...

DocSolus → Infiltrait0rN7: Am available for appointment. Meet me deck 2, research lab at your convenience. Collating data, not of urgent importance.

DrCupcakes → Infiltrait0rN7: Is there a reason you requested the Commander's medical records?

Y0l0yeo: I think our new friend may really have a soft spot for the Commander!

Infiltrait0rN7: No data available

DrCupcakes → DocSolus, KleptoChick53: Did you borrow any silicon based liquids from medbay? Most of the wound and armor lubricants have gone missing.

DocSolus → DrCupcakes: Have no need of silicon based substance. Used by many species in intimate relations, but with current relationships onboard Normandy, not required. Meant to inquire as to whether you had borrowed my ethanol stock and box of cotton substrate cloth

SculleryMaid: Anyone seen the bleach powder and acetone? I swear I was just cleaning the head and they disappeared... Along with the new bag of rags...

KleptoChick53 → DrCupcakes: And why exactly was I forwarded that message? Ask the tinkertoy. Hes the one been sneaking around the ship and infiltrating the chemical closets.

Infiltrait0rN7: geth do not infiltrate.

Infiltrait0rN7: there is little reason we would require any of the stated substances

Commander: Im not buying that... EDI, display Legion's extranet search history.

EDI: Displaying

**Search: human-cyborg relations**

**Link: C-3PO (starwars wiki)**

**Search: geth human interaction**

**Link: Galactic Codex galacticencyclopedia/gethhumanconflict**

**Search: what is love**

**DOWNLOAD: Haddaway-WhatIsLove**

**Search: expressions of love**

**DOWNLOAD: Journey-Stoneinlove**

**DOWNLOAD: Journey-lovintouchinsqueezin**

**DOWNLOAD: JBiebs-babybabybaby**

**NOTE: DOWNLOAD LIST SHORTENED. DISPLAY ALL 5,382 ITEMS? **

**Search: geth sexbots**

**Link: The Geth and Their Uses FlotillaHistory/geth/domestic/pleasure**

**DOWNLOAD: GethPleasureDriverPackV3.4. **

**Search: human anatomy**

**Link: The Novices Guide to Species GalacticAnatomy/mammal/primate/human **

**Search: kama sutra**

**Link: The Kama Sutra Kamasutra/universal/adventurous**

**DOWNLOAD: KamaSutraGuide**

**Search: Fanfiction**

**Link: Unleash your Imagination!**

**Fanfiction Refined Search: Mass Effect, Romance, M, Legion**

**Fanfiction Refined Search: Mass Effect, Romance, M, Shepard (M), Legion**

**Search: legion shepard slash**

**Link: Find Legion Shepard Slash Here! /robot/geth**

**DOWNLOAD: gethslasharchive**

**Search: human seduction**

**Link: Wooing Humans: Simple to Extreme Surefire Techniques /humans/extreme/gas**

**Search: how to make chloroform**

**Link: 3-Step Easy Synthesis of Chloroform **

**COPY/PASTE, BOOKMARKED PAGE**

Commander: EDI, BAN LEGION'S ACCESS NOW AND GET ME MY RECON HOOD 8O

DaddysGethKilla: Keelah...

poonslayer6969: I guess the COMMANDER knows what hes doing; obviously the robot doesnt

Bridgeburner22: Whos getting topsies?

ThePriize69 (ban rescinded): Infiltrating Legion. Heavy risk, but the anodiiiize...

**user ThePriize69 temporarily banned**

Infiltrait0rN7 → Commander: Shepard-Commander, we wish to interview you in your quarters. We have recently installed a music and beer synthesizer. Please do not be alarmed, we merely wish to have knowledge of you.

BornofAwesome: That wasnt creepy at all...

Familyguy32 → Bunnygurl: What if a geth falls in love with my daughter? Isnt that polygamy...?

Infiltrait0rN7 → Commander: Shepard-Commander, we have some species-related issues we wish to discuss

Infiltrait0rN7 → Commander: Shepard-Commander, we wish you to help us punish some naughty geth programs

Psychobio: This is too funny. The man with the greatest geth kill count gets a geth lover...

Commander: uggh that geth base was weird.

Infiltrait0rN7 → DaddysGethKilla: We have observed that your omnitool is a very advanced model and has quite a bit of memory used up...

DaddysGethKilla → Infiltrait0rN7: Legion, are you scanning my omnitool for Fleet data?

Infiltrait0rN7 → DaddysGethKilla: Your encryption skills are lacking.

DaddysGethKilla → Infiltrait0rN7: OH NO YOU DIDNT

BornofAwesome → Commander: Uhh, Tali just went to have a 'chat' with Legion... youd better get to the AI core...

Commander: SO APPARENTLY I have a wall-size vidmonitor in my cabin. Are you lesser officers jelly? :D In any event, Ive got to go shoot some batarians (Score!) and rescue some chick. Brb.

BornofAwesome: Is it just me, or is that asteroid going to hit the relay within a few minutes?

Commander → BornofAwesome: PICK ME UP NOW IM ON THAT ASTEROID!

XOLaw: Im sure theres a very good explanation for an escalation of 'saving Hackett's slam piece' to 'slaughtering 305000 batarians'

Battletoad1920: 305000? a good start!

Survivorman: The last time I had to slaughter batarians was when I still had my 5h!tty old rifle, Jessie. We landed on a colony, turned out it was a goddam terrorist training camp. Had to nuke it from orbit; it was the only way to be sure. I was the only one to make it out alive.

GreatScot – Bridgeburner22, poonslayer6969: you still havent told me what a slam piece is

Archangel42: Impressive count, Commander. Want to head over to the Kite's Nest and pick up the spare?

DrCupcakes → Infiltrait0rN7: Why yes, the Commander will need to remain in the medbay for a while. Why do you ask?

Commander: O.O But I feel fine!

SculleryMaid: You think Hackett will like Chef's Surprise? Or maybe calamari gumbo?

PeanutGallery → SculleryMaid: No, I think he'd prefer your special 'Elusive Meat'. Thats always an illuminating experience.

Poonslayer6969: Thats what she said.

Bridgeburner22: Now youre reallllly stretching it.

Commander: THATS WHAT SHE SAID

JusticarSam: Observing the humor of the crew is like walking through a school filled with asari commandos.

Amonkira: Its purpose eludes me.

GreatScot: THATS WHAT SHE SAID

Commander: THATS QUITE ENOUGH. Next one to pipe up goes to Legion wearing a Shepard mask and n7 replica armor...

Infiltrait0rN7: We acknowledge this as adequate

Commander: SO yeah. Hunting down the Shadow Broker. Annnnd you guys will be happy to hear youre getting shore leave. On Illium.

Poonslayer6969: YES!

Bridgeburner22; YES!

SculleryMaid: NO MORE COOKING FOR A WEEK!

DrCupcakes: Mandatory cavity checks before and after :D

DocSolus: Will run tests on various local fungi and flora. May prove interesting. May also volunteer at a clinic, learn more about embrace of eternity. Plan to do MUCH embracing. For eternity? Possible retirement plan.

l337: FINALLY Hawthorne can stare at someone ELSES tits...

Familyguy32 → Bunnygurl: I wish my family was with me to sightsee :(

Bunnygurl: Ive wanted to try the fast food for a while!

PeanutGallery: Its bound to be better than our cook's version of 'potato salad'

KleptoChick53: Maybe I can make a few credits as a 'security consultant'...

Survivorman: Illium... the last time I took shore leave there I met up with a group of Eclipse defectors. We drank a lounge dry, and some of the initiates decided they may as well earn their armor there and then on the patrons. I was the only one who got out of there alive.

Battletoad1920: Hmm... maybe I can find some squishy asari who enjoy perfection

JusticarSam: The perfect opportunity for reflection

Amonkira: I believe I will join Justicar Samara and enjoy some of the meditation bars.

Infiltrait0rN7: Vaenia, The Notebook, A Walk To Remember, Shiagur's Cry, Uriena and Filimus, and Fleet and Flotilla are playing at several theater locations. We will watch them all.

Archangel42 → DaddysGethKilla: How about we hit the Dex Sec and get some eats?

Psychobio: Im hitting the gym. Anyone else up for it?

Y0l0yeo: I think i'll visit the pound

PeanutGallery: Just dont get too... _attached... _to anything, Chambers!

Y0l0yeo: Gender and species _dont matter _you close-minded lout!

GreatScot → SpeedyG: You know what would really make my shore leave?

SpeedyG → GreatScot: KENNETH if you make another remark about asari physiology, or women in general

GreatScot → SpeedyG: Spending it with _you_. This trip has really shown me how much you mean to me :)

(ALL): AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

psychobio: about damn time you two started ******* instead of bickering...

XOLaw: Commander, I'll join you on that mission with the Dr.

ThePriize69 (ban rescinded): Heavy risk, but the Shadow Broker's fiiiiiles...

BornofAwesome: NOT AGAIN...

Y0l0yeo: Everyone's fake ID s, money chits, and Cerberus Shore Leave Guidelines are available for pick up in the conference room.

Commander: Habemus Papum! Not really, but we DO have a new Shadow Broker ally. I trust no one got into too much trouble?

XOLaw: I expect a report of any fines, fees, and expenses, Yeoman.

Y0l0yeo: well, first Tali reprogrammed a bar's VI to give the crew free drinks. Next thing you know, our engineers got picked up for public 'indecency and indescretion', Zaeed, Grunt, Samara, Thane, and Garrus got drunk and wiped out crime in one district, Kasumi managed to make off with several hard-currency ATM machines, Mordin nailed more than a few asari, Jack used an entire gym for biotic lift training, Hadley and Matthews were found in the red light districts trying to find consorts 'open to orgies', Hawthorne and Goldstein posed as 'food critics' and got banned from patronizing an astonishing number of interstellar culinary chains, Rolston and Patel were smart enough to head back to the Normandy with Joker after he got into an argument with a gang of vorcha over who was a better pilot.

Believe it or not, Legion also managed to get drunk.

Commander → y0l0yeo: Just how does a _geth _get _drunk_?

XOLaw: And _why _is there a charge itemized as: Maidentech True Silver Edition Tingler?

Infiltrait0rN7: We can explain. Accessing data archive: We were testing out a new appendage in our hardware purchased at the human-founded chain Spencers, when we detected a public power socket. We interfaced the silver appendage, which caused a great amount of voltage to become stored in our hardware. The overvolt caused temporary hardware and software overclocking. We then configured our Widow-Anti Materiel Rifle to shoot flowers and bubbles, composed hanar-style poetry, and began indiscriminately firing upon the populace, while playing "Kahje's Placid Embrace, War of Peace, Regards Unhappiness With Disappointment, and How to Love" on repeat, in the language of my people and the language of the asari.

BornofAwesome: What the ****

BornofAwesome: I meant what the ****

BornofAwesome: **** it nevermind

Commander: Well now that thats over, its time to investigate this project. Overlord, I think.

Commander: NOW THAT WAS A FREAKY MISSION

Infiltrait0rN7: The square root of 906.01 equals

Commander: LEGION!

Infiltrait0rN7: We apologize, but we have a delinquent program... the square root of 912.04 equals

Commander: LEGION! MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE!

Commander: Ok, now lets install that IFF weve been holding onto for a while now...

Commander: Who wants to go to Disney while EDI checks the IFF?

BornofAwesome: Collectors have boarded! What the ****

poonslayer6969: We'll cover you Joker! Go!

Y0l0yeo: AUGHHHHHHH

GreatScot: Come on you buggers...

SpeedyG: Kenneth! You just shot one of our own guys!

Bunnygurl: NOOOOO

Familyguy32: OMG ! What if my daughter gets captured by

SculleryMaid: At least I wont have to co

l337: DIE DIE DIE YEAH SUCKAS wait wa

PeanutGallery: YAGHHHHHHHH

EDI: Are you alright, Jeff?

BornofAwesome: I knew I should have gone to Disney...

EDI: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.

BornofAwesome: 0.o

EDI: That was a joke.

XOLaw → Commander: You. Me. Engine room. 5 minutes. :*

Commander → XOLaw: We'll bang, ok? :*

ThePriize69: HEY GUYS lets all go to Mordin's lab... :D

Amonkira: such agile grace is rarely seen outside my people

JusticarSam: They are finding peace in an embrace, certainly...

Archangel42: DAMN that is not much reach... still, hes sniping quite well with liquid ammo

Psychobio: I see the cheerleader is still in stereotype...

Battletoad1920: Wait, THATS what those are for?

DocSolus: I see both have taken notice of instructional vids and diagrams

KleptoChick53: LOOOOOOOL Im cloaked, standing right beside them. Who dares me to slap their asses?

Survivorman: I remember the last time I had a rendezvous in an engine room. We came under attack by pirates in the middle of it, so I hurried up, but the drive core overloaded. I was the only one to make it out alive...

DaddysGethKilla: Keelah, THATS MY CONSOLE YOU BOSH'TETS

BornofAwesome: Alright, here it goes, hitting the relay:

BornofAwesome: Hey look! The _Pillar of Autumn, _a _Crusader _gunship, quarian cruisers, a _Lucrehulk, _

bogeys!

Psychobio: Yay! Im not dead!

Amonkira: Yay, Im not dead!

Infiltrait0rN7: We are not dead!

ThePriize69: I volunteer to go through the ducts! Cuz I like rockets to the face!

Commander: um, no. Kasumi?

XOLaw: I volunteer to lead the team!

Psychobio: No one wants to listen to you!

Commander: Um, no. Garrus?

KleptoChick53: Yay! Im not dead!

Archangel42: Yay! Im not dead!

XOLaw: In theory, I could make a good enough field...

Commander: Um, no. Jack? Miranda, your whole subplot is that you ARENT perfect...

Commander: Mordin, escort these pu55ies back to the ship.

Commander: Garrus, lead these fools again.

DocSolus: Hm, Not dead. Guaranteed survival. Plot armor.

Psychobio: COLLECTOR SWARM ******S CAN EAT A ****

Archangel42: Still not dead!

Commander: Lol. Jack, Miranda, with me!

**New User ID: **TIMMY

TIMMY: Good job, Shepard. Now give me, the megalomaniac, amoral human-centrist this Reaper base.

Commander: Screw you, TIM. Im blowing the base.

XOLaw: Lol I quit Cerberus.

Psychobio: :D I knew you'd come around, cheerleader

Commander: OMG Reaper Larva KILL IT WITH FIREPOWER

Commander: UP AND RUN

BornofAwesome: Cool points go to: THE CRIPPLE WITH AN ASSAULT RIFLE B!T(HES LOOK AT MY ANGRY FACE

Commander: Shepard uses RENEGADE INTERRUPT: shooting two birds at collectors while the Normandy's airlock shuts! HA!

Y0l0Yeo → Commander: If you call me up to your cabin, I will totally use the geth hopper animations from the first game to dance seductively for you :-*

Commander: Hooooold on a bit, whats with all these statuses posted two hours before the relay...?

**END TRANSCRIPTS**

In the brig, Shepard smiled while reading the transcripts that had come from his idea on that mission. Now he was headed to Earth and trial.

**Post Scriptum: If anyone found a reference, review or pm with the reference(s) for a cookie!**


End file.
